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Monday, February 2, 2009

Have been reading this self-help book called
"The Power Of Female Friendship"
Came upon this chapter..
'Friends in need..'
kinda leaves a deep impression..
N.. i shall share wif u..
Or u can choose to ignore.. (its ur choice)

Sue; party A that has just lost her love ones..
Kate;party B,her friend.
the story goes..

The sense of thickness in the air embraced Sue completely that she barely noticed when the doorbell rang. She told herself she should answer it,but her body failed to follow the command.Instead, She continued to try to make the turkey sanwich for Aunt Jess that she'd been trying to make for the past 10minutes.
"I came as soon as I heard"
Sue recognised the voice, but didn't register at first. Only when Kate wrapped her arms around her did Sue realize that her friend was here.She was more than a lil surprise to find Kate in the kitchen with her. In fact, She wasn't even sure how Kate knew what was going on.
"You must be horribly sad," Kate said
Sue's eyes brimmed. "I miss her so much"
Kate hugged her again and then took her hand. "Come on, Lets go."
Sue: "go where?"
Kate: "somewhere quiet. There are so many people here."
Sue: "I really should be here right now.Some people are still on their way."
Kate: " you need a break for this. Come on."

Still feeling as though she was out of sync with the rest of the world, Sue followed Kate to the tiny guest bedroom next to the den. They sat on the bed facing ea other and Kate said,"tell me everything you're feeling"
As dulled as Sue felt, she allowed herself a little inward chuckle. This was classic Kate. How many times had they sat together with other friends while Kate played armchair therpist to the group? Sue wondered why Kate never finished her degree in psycology, choosing to become a paralegal instead.
Kate had a unique way of approaching any problem a friend might be having.She'd ask probing questions and then develop the some life lesson based on her own experience. Sue remembered the time she had a drink with Kate after Brad broke up with her. Kate pulled all kinds of stuff out of her, including things she'd never told anyone else about her love life.Sue had had this kind of experience with Kate before, And it always made her feel a little uneasy. Yet when Kate started sharing intensely intimate details about her own love losses to give Sue some perspective, Sue felt a little consoled. Eventually she herself propping Kate up that night, helping her to overcome regrets over an ex-boyfriend who'd done her wrong.
.....(too much.. cut short)lol?
Over the next few mins, sue shared the details of some of those conversations while Kate offered advice and reflection through her own stories. Sue already knew from several late-night talks that Kate had a very diferent relationship with her mother than Sue had with hers.Kate parents divoced when she was a child, and it was obvious that had left some scars. In fact, it was a rare night when the conversation didn't veer to the divorce at some point.
"Its tough, Sue, I noe. Believe me, I really noe. Getting over the loss of a love one is incredibly difficult. even when you've had some time to prepare. I mean, I knew instinctively that my parents were going to split up because of all those fighting. But when it actually happened, I was devastated."
Kate wiped her eyes and Sue felt a little twinge of sympathy. "I knew all about death in the family," Kate continued. "My parents' divorce was just like death.
Tears now rolled down Kate cheeks. Sue felt the urge to confort her.
And then she drew herself up short. Through the haze of her grief, Sue suddenly saw something with crystal clarity- Kate had come here under the guise of supporting her but she was really seeking support instead. Now that she thought about it, Sue realized that Kate's " counseling sessions" always turned out this way.
She was endlessly needy.
Aruptly, Sue stood up from the bed. "you must go now"
Kate sniffled. "No. I'm going to be here for you."
"you're not her for me,Kate. You're here for you. Please leave."
Kate seems baffled , but she slowly stood up and headed towards the door.Before she left, she turned back and said, "this is no way to treat a friend."
Sue decided not to respond. She knew this was exactly how to treat this friend.

So are u sue that is constantly a needy friend.
Or Kate that goes the extra mile for buddies .However on the long run , depleting themselves and become the worst friend ever?

how to be a supportive.. but mature friend.
you may feel proud of yourself for being a good friend who "goes the extra miles" for your buddies.However, in the long run you tend to deplete yourself entirely and become the worst friend ever, crashing completely and unable to give even the smallest amount to others.
When you continue to give love to a friend who does not or will not grow better boundries(with doors instead of walls;pics below) you will deplete your own energy.

there goes the important part.
When you say no to a friend because you just do not have the resources to share, this is far better than trying to give to others what you don't have to give. This action is not friendly, honestor empathetic. It is childish, even though it might make you feel like you are important and caring.
Think of the instruction they give us at the beginning of airline flights.They tells us that if cabin pressure drops, we should put on our own mask before even helping our children.They don't say this because they want us to be selfish. They say tis becuase they know we need to be strong(have enough oxygen) before we can help others effectively. The same is true of our relations with needy friends.
When you do this, you can avoid being depleted by her and you can show her that she has it in her to be successful and happy. It is just a matter of telling her that her boundary can be fied by getting better at tolerating and hearing the word NO. Doing this makes you more trustworthy as a fren rather than less so. You will be seen as honest and reliable enough to show your friend what's real about life.

argh..
im so lazy to cont how to avoid being a needy fren..
Cheers to myself for lending the books ba.. lol~
but its true..
be it if u're a needy fren or an abundant fren..
we must always know our limits..

the notion of being consistently needy is not an advantage in friendship. Consistencyin friendship needs to be the kind that amplfies good emotion between you. If, when you feel needy, you were to consistently strive for solution to your problem and autonomy over them. You would build your relationship. Seeing this makes your supportive fren feel good even though toy feel bad.
Likewise, if you are supporting a needy fren you can help the friendship by being consistently on message with your belief that your friend can and will learn to solve her problems herself.

while males may handle needy friendship just by avoiding them, a women have that special reptilian-brain challenge of feelings that avoiding a frequently needy frens is "not right"
In your needy friendship , you will have and want to contimue sharing feelingsand ideas with ea other, but this does not mean that you have to have lots of holes in youe boundry in the ways you connect. You can both share and recognize that your fren problems are theirs not yours.

CRAP?
Nono..
after reading this..
I wondered if im that person that doesnt say no to others and in the end cause ppl to have too much reliance on me..
Till the end..
Would i end up like Kate that doesnt even noe she could no longer give but is constantly taking and receiving.
and was actually harming them instead of helping..
Do you feel the same way too?
I believe that im a needy person too..
From what I noe..
I relied too much on my besties..
Im sorry if i were like kate..
Haha..
Now im afraid of giving in too much for others..
could it really be me??
OH GOD..
im scared..
i muz learn to say no and no be a needy fren..
>___<
sry elena..
to think that she'd actually help me for the job thing n resume n so much more despite her being so bz..
set to much reliance on her le la..
T___________T
Im not a bad fren ya?
AM I?
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...
Haiz..
Im sorry to all if im not a good fren..
Serious..
no joke..
nvm.. suan le..
gtg help ppl solve some misunderstanding of others le..
sometimes i really wonder how to say no..
It has always been my nature to agree and say ok or yes..
T____________T
I sux..
haiz..

- LifeGoesOn~